RecoloringLife

I feel this change coming. I can sense it. It's already happening. I need to believe its for the better. 

It needs to happen. It has to happen. It was meant to happen. 

Everything I chose, everything I decided, every step I took, every word I said has led me to this point in time. There is no fork in the road. There is no going back. There is no "what if" in the end. 

What is strength?
What is confidence? 

I wear my weaknesses as a shield. If something hurts me, I will make sure it doesn't hurt me ever again. I make my weakness my strength. I can't really call it a strength if its a weakness. 

I no longer have confidence. I am just oblivious to every external source around me. It's almost as if I no longer care. I don't have confidence in myself because I no longer require it. I do what I do, without fear of judgement. In my mind, confidence is required to impress those around you who are watching. I don't know why I think that. That's just how I view it. My perception of confidence has always been a grey area for me. 

My strength isn't strength.
My confidence isn't confidence. 

I am weak.
I am oblivious. 

I synchronize my pain and peace to cancel each other out, just to be able to get through the day. 

I don't know if I can truly say this for sure, but today, I noticed some things lose meaning overtime. They were important. They gave me some sort of lasting comfort. They eased a mind that was in need. 

As soon as doubt enters the bloodstream, that's when it's all over. 

I second guess myself.
I lie.
I weave. 
I spin. 
I double-cross. 

I know what once was, could never be again, for it is affected by time. Time is supposed to heal all wounds, but it also degrades them.

Heal to forgive.
Degrade and forget. 
Lie to protect.
Hurt to the end. 
Live to be forgotten. 

I apologize to myself over and over. I'm sorry I can't keep some memories alive. I'm sorry I forgot what it felt like when I needed a memory to comfort me. 

You were of great significance to me. You meant a lot to a person who didn't have much to begin with. 

Over time, I lost you, too......

I second guess the second guess....

Do I need you anymore? Is that the real question? Have I outgrown a comfort that I no longer need?

Further I degrade my lies.

Am I too lost to even feel that same comfort? Am I too hurt? Am I too damaged to feel any sort of comfort I stored away for a rainy day? 
Will the rest of my days be this rainy? 

I answer my own questions with questions because I'm afraid of any sort of answer I have to offer myself.

I can only offer myself lies and unforgotten fear. 

The sounds of the past still make themselves known on certain days. All I can do is acknowledge them for what they are. Anniversaries are somewhat a big deal with me, but I'm working on it. Trauma and muscle memory play a role.

I would always wonder why, certain days I would get a stabbing pain on the side of my head. I would always wonder why I would break out into full panic mode for no reason at all.

It's as if memories are waves, and my body is the earth. Each day in each year I flow to and from. I remind myself of pain, joy, tears, smiles, death, life, and hope. I remind myself that all I can ever do is move forward in every given situation. The more time I spend on a single moment in my personal history, the more time I lose making better ones.

Without grief, we cannot grow.
Without blood, we cannot bleed.
Without fears, we cannot hope.
Without smiles, we cannot cry.

We always have a choice.

Choose to step forward, and do it again and again.

I choose to step forward because somewhere in my mind I believe that there is always a better and brighter day that is waiting to be had. I'm not saying wait for it, I'm saying hope for it.

Move on from your footprints, for it is already created.

Without life, we cannot die.
Without death, we cannot live.

Please, don't die on the inside while you're still alive.
 

I dreamt of clouds in the ocean.
I dreamt of rain that wouldn't stop pouring.
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I'm becoming more anti-social as of late. It's sad to say that I'm really, really used to it. It's as if I don't mind it at all. It would be cruel for me to say that though. I know so many decent people that I should never take anyone for granted. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be a lone, but preferring it is another song on its own. The past three days I've been -forcing- myself to go see people and to go out into public and interact with whoever.

I would rather be alone by my own power, and not by my own will.

I would rather love daylight, rather than live by night.

I don't like correcting myself. A second judgement coming from within is a different level of resentment.
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I dreamt of galaxies within truths
I dreamt of destinies within lies

I woke from nightmares of you
I woke from nightmares of dying
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My greatest fear is that I need surgery on my shoulder. I "sprained" my rotator cuff 7 months ago and there is a tinge of pain still lingering that gets worse with my work days. I'm going to get it looked at on monday. I'm dreading it but I also need to know the truth rather than ignoring the pain that keeps me up some nights.
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My worst fear is that my father is going to be passing away soon. He's been telling us his dreams. In his dreams, he keeps dying. He says he is sent to heaven, and when he arrives to the gates he wakes up. I don't know what kind of devastation that would bring upon my mother. She visits him every day. He's 75, with dementia. He's been in a care home for 3 years. He was in the hospital for 1 year because all of the care homes in the area were full. His health has been going down the past two weeks.