Fighting The Leviathans II

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I don't know what it is lately. Through out the entire month of April, it was one hit after the other. To me, they were big hits. If I was my old self, I would be destroyed, mentally. Alas, after that month is over, the new me is still standing, in awe. I surprise myself with my durability...endurance...and courage. I really don't know how I'm doing it, but I am. Maybe I'm just getting lucky, and winging it. Maybe I truly am able to face and deal and accept rejection and struggle. Maybe the let downs after just something from the past. Maybe the pain has become a part of my structure and I'm immune. I really don't know how to explain it in sane terms.

It's just.....I shouldn't be standing....right this very moment......from the night I had....and the images I saw....

They're just....there.....and I accept it....I know I can't do anything about it....I can't change it to meet my needs.....I can't....extract happiness out of the negative....I have to leave it the way it is, and try and move on.

I'm...kind of scared to be immune to the things that used to hurt me. But the thing is, I'm not sure...what my fear has turned into...I'm not sure....what will happen if one day I look back and regret that I didn't try and change anything....One day...this all might come back to me in the future and hit me...again....harder than it already has tonight, this morning, today, and probably the next.

All I'm able to do...is remember...what the past gave me.
All I can do is...try and let go of what comfort those moments gave me.

I don't know if I should be thankful, or spiteful. I don't know if I should be bitter, or grateful.

All I can do is just be idle...for now.