Hiding My Face

5 min read

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RecoloringLife's avatar
By
RecoloringLife
Published:
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Love Again

I try-
To look into your eyes
But all I see-
Is the hidden beast within me
Believing in-
The desired changes within
Hoping that-
The future won't mimic the past

A sphere of tears-
Flood my sockets with fear
I can't repeat-
What deemed me unworthy
For I've stayed awake-
Inside the eternal moments I've created
The immortal regret-
Is that I don't know if I can ever fall in love...again...
____________________________________________________

I'm trying my very best to control certain emotions. After all that happened to me over the course of my life, leading up to now, today- My walls, my shields, my barriers, they're stronger than I've ever felt before.

By now, I should be weakened, by now I should be saying "I Miss You" through text; by now I should be....a person who I vowed to never be again.

But it feels like I'm coming to that point of letting someone in. Not willingly or forcefully, but...naturally.

I'm not being cold-hearted; I'm just keeping myself safe. I know what it's like when you love someone, but they will never love you back; it's labeled unrequited love. It's a painful, horrible experience. In your own mind you're looking up to them, but from their point of view- you're both equals; you will always be only equals. Nothing more and nothing less.

Love can be spontaneous; love can be instant; love can be...uncontrollable.

I say one thing, and I feel another. My heart is a hypocrite. My soul is a recovering victim. My body is paranoid. My mind is containing it all.

Mesh it all together...and try and justify the mixed emotions. I'm not fully connected to myself anymore. I don't want to be, I can't be, not during this time. I need to strengthen certain aspects and then connect it all together down the road, when I'm older, wiser, stronger.

Never before had I been loved by someone. Never before had I been presented with someone else's hope. Never before have I been on the brink of something I can not relate to. I've never been in love, I've only loved a person who couldn't love me back. I've never said those words and ever expect the other person to say it back to me.

I've never had my heart broken, I've always only broke it myself. I fell due to foolishness; I fell due to being unstable; I fell due to a void; I fell due to a pain in my chest that heeded for someone to cover it up with their caring hands.

My dreams deceived me; my nightmares trained me; my hallucinations opened my mind; my delusions scarred me; my illusions filled me with false hope.

There are some things I can control; and then there are things I wish I could control.

I'm not confused, I just don't trust myself anymore. I'm not hurt, I'm peering over the edge. I choose to not remember my dreams; I choose to not be a part of my nightmares.





I am not ready to unlock the door to my core.
______________________________________________________

I'm not ashamed
It's just the memories
I'm not in pain
It's just hard being this close to serenity

I want to reach for you
But I'm just too afraid
That what I'll get will only be a fraction of the truth
So I'll just continue to hide my real face





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